Now that we have covered that, let’s get into the content at hand:

Rules of Engagement: How to Argue Like You Actually Love Each Other

Let’s talk about how to fight without breaking things (including each other).

Here’s the thing: when someone tells me, “We never fight!” my therapist alarm bells start going off. I’ve heard some horror stories over the years, from clients, friends, and other folks in my life, where the relationship looked peaceful and maybe even perfect on the surface, but underneath, resentment and unmet needs were slowly eroding the connection, leaving cracks for bad things to move in and wreck the relationship. Conflict isn’t the problem. Fighting poorly (or not fighting at all) is.

Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship that involves two (or more) people with opinions, emotions, and inner worlds of their own. But conflict, when handled well, can be where the magic happens. It’s how we prune the unhealthy growth and make room for something stronger to take root. We’re not here to bonsai our relationships into something small and contained. We’re here to grow and propagate.

So let’s get into it: how do you actually fight fair?

My Rules of Engagement: Fighting Fair

I’ve adapted these from a classic “Fair Fighting Rules” guide, with a few extra rules I’ve added over years of working with couples who are trying to do better by each other.

1. Know Why You’re Mad Before You Say It Out Loud

Sometimes it’s not really about the dishwasher. Sometimes it’s about feeling underappreciated, unseen, or emotionally alone. These deeper hurts are what we call core negative beliefs in EMDR work; things like: “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t matter,” “I’m invisible,” or “I’m always alone.” If your reaction is hotter than the surface situation calls for, pause and ask: what story is this moment tapping into? When else in my life have I felt this way? and that may lead you to the source of this feeling so we don’t get bogged down in the minutia of how many dishes are left in the sink this week.

2. Stay on Topic (No Kitchen Sink Fights)

Stick to one issue at a time. If you’re upset about laundry, don’t bring in that time they forgot your birthday in 2017. That’s called “kitchen sinking,” and it’s a surefire way to make everything messier.

3. No Character Assassination, Ever

No name-calling. No “you’re just like your mother.” No degrading comments meant to cut deep. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to the person you love. And yes, this includes the “fuck yous.” (Yes, I said it. But that was my one free pass… for this post anyway.). We want to avoid at all costs saying things we can’t unsay!

4. Leave the “D Word” Off the Table

Throwing around the word divorce or threatening to leave in the heat of an argument causes long-term damage (and to clarify, I’m not talking about calling a “time-out,” we’ll get to that in a minute). It’s like dropping an emotional nuclear bomb. Too many couples end up following through on a separation, not because they wanted to, but because they felt like they had to to prove a point. Don't gamble with ultimatums you're not ready to cash in.

5. Speak for Yourself (Use “I” Statements)

Say, “I feel hurt when we don’t spend time together,” instead of, “You don’t care about me.” “You” statements tend to build walls. “I” statements invite connection. Own your feelings without blaming your partner for them.

6. No Sweeping Statements or Emotional Exaggeration

Saying “You always ignore me” or “You never help around the house” might feel true in the moment, but those words almost guarantee a fight about the minutia instead of the actual issue. Your partner’s brain will go straight to, “That’s not true, I did the dishes last Thursday,” and now you’re stuck arguing about technicalities instead of the real emotion.

Tone down the hyperbole so your message gets heard, not argued with. Try using words like “often,” “sometimes,” or “lately.” These soften the blow without watering down your point.

Instead of “You never help around the house,” try “Lately I feel like I’ve had to do a lot of the housework myself.”
Boom—same message, way more likely to lead to repair instead of reactivity.

6. Take Turns (“Pass the Pillow”)

Only one person talks at a time. That’s it. If you struggle with this, use a “talking object” like a pillow, a stuffed animal, or even your cat. (Unless your cat is over it, in that case, please don’t traumatize the cat.) A dog could work too, but maybe not your Great Dane—unless you’re trying to get a workout in while arguing, you do you.

For neurodivergent couples, consider keeping a notepad or fidget object handy so you can hold onto your thoughts without interrupting. Some people even tap their fingers in a rhythm to “save” their thoughts for later without losing focus.

7. No Stonewalling (a.k.a. Don’t Shut Down and Ghost the Fight)

Stonewalling is when you hit emotional overload and shut down, like emotionally rage-quitting the conversation. You might go quiet, disengage, or leave the room without explanation. It feels like self-protection, but it usually leaves your partner feeling dismissed and hurt.

Instead, say: “I’m overwhelmed. I need a break, but I do want to finish this when I can show up better.”
Then, actually come back. Don’t leave the conflict open-ended and unresolved forever. A break is not a breakup. Avoidance is a relationship killer. Period.

8. Mirror Back What You Heard

Even if you’re sure you understood what they meant, check. Say: “What I’m hearing is that you feel unimportant when I don’t respond right away—did I get that right?” So many fights spiral because we think we’re arguing about the same thing when we’re actually on different pages. Check your messages like you’d check your mirrors before changing lanes.

9. Don’t Yell, belittle, or berate

Raising your voice might get their attention, but not their trust, and may be triggering a real-life fight-or-flight response, rendering your message inaudible. Yelling, berating, and belittling tend to shut people down or make them defensive. If your goal is to be heard and understood, volume and “ugliness” won’t get you there. Respect will.

10. Take a Break if It’s Getting Too Hot

Time-outs aren’t just for toddlers. If you feel yourself getting dysregulated or overwhelmed, pause. Just make sure to agree on a time to come back to the conversation. Avoid the disappearing act, it only deepens the conflict. I know some people need time to process, and some people want to handle it all right now; find out which end of the spectrum you and your partner are on and talk about it!

11. Attempt to Compromise, or at Least Understand

Sometimes compromise is just saying “I hear you”* and trusting this is their truth right now. Not every argument has a perfect solution, because life is messy and relationships are complex. But you can still walk away feeling closer if you both try to meet in the middle. Compromise means give and take, not win and lose. And even if you can't land on an agreement, taking the time to truly understand each other’s perspectives can soften the sharp edges. Reframe “winning” the fight as finding a resolution and planning how to do it better next time together. Affirm you are listening, and do your best to try and see it from their POV.

*“I hear you” does not mean “I agree with you.” You can validate their experience even if your experience is different.

Why This Feels So Hard

No one grows up magically knowing how to handle conflict. Most of us learned what we know from watching our caregivers.

Were your parents screamers? Or did they sweep everything under the rug? Did conflict end in silence, rage, or days even weeks of unresolved tension? Some of us recreate what we saw; others do the opposite, so opposite, in fact, that we never say anything at all.

Understanding your history gives you power. It helps you decide what to keep, and what to unlearn or deprogram.

And if you’re a parent now, here’s something to chew on: your kids are learning how to do conflict from YOU. If they only ever see the fight, but never the repair, you’re teaching them that conflict means rupture, not repair. It’s okay to say, “Hey, we got loud. That wasn’t okay. But we’re working through it together.” Let them see healthy conflict. Let them see how love shows up after the storm.

Why This Matters to Me

Conflict was loud and messy in my early life. It was all I knew, and I followed that pattern too… until I knew I wanted something different.

As I got older and started my own family, I found myself bumping into those old patterns, some I tried to avoid, some I hadn’t even realized were there. There was a season when everything felt heavy and uncertain for many reasons, and in the midst of that, we had to learn how to argue with more care. Less heat. More intention. And in doing so, we got better (not perfect, because no one can be, but better!).

And somewhere in the middle of all that chaos, I felt this conviction land on me like lightning: There has to be a better way to love each other than what I’ve seen. There has to be a better way to fight than what I grew up with. That moment lit a fire in me. I went from never planning to go to college to committing myself fully to a career in helping people heal relational wounds. I didn’t just want to understand people, I wanted to walk alongside them as they repaired the ruptures that trauma can cause in love.

Helping couples learn how to argue without destroying each other is personal for me. Because I’ve lived through the kind of conflict that shatters families. And I’ve also lived through the kind that teaches you how to fight like teammates and not rivals.

Tools You Can Use Right Now

**Talking Object**: Take turns speaking while holding a neutral item (pillow, dog toy, your grumpy cat). Helps reduce interruptions. Just… don’t throw it.
**Time-Outs with a Return Plan**: Say, *“I need 15 minutes to cool off, then I want to keep working on this.”*
**FANOS Check-Ins**: This stands for Feelings, Affirmations, Needs, Ownership, and Struggles. Do a quick FANOS check with your partner once a week—it’s a beautiful way to stay emotionally connected and reduce resentment buildup.
**Prepare/Enrich Tools**: In sessions, we use communication exercises that help couples slow down and truly *listen*. You can practice the same skills at home by mirroring and validating before jumping into your own point.
**ND-Friendly Conversation Anchors**: Jot a note or tap a finger when a thought comes up. This helps you hold onto your idea without zoning out or interrupting.

💾 Grab the Download: Fair Fighting Rules (Bethany Style)

Want a copy of these rules to stick on the fridge or keep in your shared Notes app? I’ve created a clean, shareable version you can download and use as a reference during tough conversations. Click here to download your own copy.

Free Download

Ready to Learn How to Fight Like Teammates?

You don’t have to be perfect to be a better partner. You just have to be willing.

If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, or if you want to learn how to turn your conflicts into a deeper connection, I’d love to help! I offer individual and couples counseling, and I’m trained in trauma-informed approaches like EMDR and Prepare/Enrich.

Let’s help you love each other better.